March 25, 2003

PatenTrust Corporation, a company that performs search and analysis reports on patents, discovered an interesting quirk in the United States Patent and Trademark Office patent databases: some patents are full of 'shit'.

If one does a basic search for the word 'shit' on the United States Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO) patent database, there are 131 patents that contain the word 'shit'. PatenTrust indirectly discovered this quirk while their proprietary software was analyzing patents.

"The goal of our software services is to interpret the meaning of patent sentences," says Tonis Kasvand, President and CEO of PatenTrust Corporation. "We find spelling mistakes all the time, but this one kept us entertained. For fun, we interpreted the patent sentences with the spelling mistake as if the author meant to put it in the patent. We underlined the part of the sentence that looked interesting and provided our opinions on what the author 'accidentally' presented to the public."

The probable causes of the spelling mistakes found in patents is the process of converting the document from an image to text. Originally, patents are submitted to the USPTO in the form of a hard-copy paper document. When a computer scans the document, an Optical Character Recognition (OCR) program is used to translate the image into textual information that can be searched. Unfortunately, the OCR is not perfect. In many of the patents found, the word 'shift' was missing the letter 'f'. Semiconductor and vehicle patents use the word 'shift' quite frequently.

In some rare cases, the use of the graphic word is appropriate. Patent 4,642,272 describes a system for converting hydrocarbon feed stocks to hydrogen. "It is nice to see a patent use true street-level terminology", says Kasvand.

Some of the more interesting patents:

Motor-vehicle-mounted radar apparatus
Patent # 6,429,804
August 6, 2002
Thus the frequency fub of the upbeat signal 12 and the frequency fdb of the downbeat signal 13 can be represented as the following expressions 1 and 2 using the range frequency fr and the Doppler shit frequency fd that are standard beat signal frequencies.

(So, this measures the movement of your movement?)


Floating point addition pipeline including extreme value, comparison and accumulate functions
Patent # 6,397,239
May 28, 2002
The two leading 1 detection units within the shit prediction unit of the close data path may optimized over prior art designs by recognizing that the MSB of both input operands is 1.

(A useful form of measurement for political speeches)


Combinations of materials to minimize ESR and maximize ESR stability of surface mount valve-metal capacitors after exposure to heat and/or humidity
Patent # 6,304,427
October 16, 2001
This indicates that the greatest contribution provided by the inventive graphitic carbon is stability after lengthy exposure to very high temperatures. After 1000 hours at 175.degree. C., the smallest overall shit occurs in the table column that contains data for the combination of the inventive silver paint (DP5262) and the inventive metallic lead frame (Alloy 194), demonstrating the synergistic effect of these two superior materials when exposed to elevated temperatures for long periods.

(After 1000 hours in 175-degree heat, you don't want to see it)


Recording method of still video apparatus
Patent # 5,784,524
July 21, 1998
The control signals are subjected to DPSX (Dual Phase Shit Keying) modulation and are superimposed and recorded on the FM-modulated image signals.

(This explains all those bad radio talk shows)


2,3,4-trihydroxycyclopentanone
Patent # 6,166,091
December 26, 2000
The chemical shit value of HOD was expressed as 4.65 ppm.

(An acceptable amount for most Hot Dogs)


Irradiation enhanced permeation and collection
Patent # 6,425,873
July 30, 2002
The beam can be focused so that it is narrower along one axis than the other in order to produce a shit-shaped ablation or alteration through the use of a cylindrical focusing lens 27.

(Aren't there better shapes to produce?)


Electrically programmable photolithography mask
Patent # 6,379,847
April 30, 2002
A third embodiment of an electronically controlled mask 13 is illustrated in FIG. 5A. This mask 13 replaces the prior art mask 28 initially illustrated in FIG. 1C, which has been re-illustrated in FIG. 5B. Mask 13 comprises a first region 114 that allows 100% of light to pass through with a zero degree phase shit, and a second region 112 that allows 100% of light to pass, but with 180 degrees shift in phase as compared to light passing through the first region 114.

(Light can pass through a transparent turd at a straight angle)


Method and apparatus for anilox roller scoring prevention
Patent # 6,371,018
April 16, 2002
A conventional doctor blade may produce excess pressure on the anilox walls and may cause the breakage of the walls. In addition, its structure may not allow the shit of the particle along the surface.

(A diaper for a particle to prevent 'skid marks')


System/method for lever shifting of a controller-assisted, manually shifted transmission
Patent # 6,358,183
March 19, 2002
1. A method for controlling dynamic shifting in a manually shifted vehicular transmission system comprising a lever-shifted, non-synchronized fuel-controlled engine by a non-positive coupling, a manually operated shift lever movable in a predetermined shift pattern to move a shit member from a neutral position to at least one engaged position for engaging a selected gear ratio

(Not a nice way to move a vehicle driver)


Semiconductor memory device with redundant circuit
Patent # 6,310,806
October 30, 2001
When being activated by the spare row address signal outputted from the switch circuit 23, the spare row decoder 19A outputs a spare hit signal SHIT. The spare hit signal SHIT is supplied to a latch control circuit 24.

(This is what drivers yell when they see other drivers change lanes without signaling.)


Generation of driving waveforms to actuate driving elements of print head
Patent # 6,431,676
August 13, 2002
FIG. 3 is a block diagram illustrating the circuit structure of the print head 50. The print head 50 includes a predetermined number, which is identical with the number of nozzles, of shit registers 51A through 51N, latch circuits 52A through 52N, level shifters 53A through 53N, switching circuits 54A through 54N, and piezoelectric elements 55A through 55N.

(Quality registers must be hard to come by)


Use of flavone derivatives for induction of .beta.-lactam-sensitivity of MRSA
Patent # 6,294,526
September 25, 2001
In the case of non-oral administration, a suppository directed to apply the rectumx may be used; however, usually an injection is used. The injections may be given in the form of solution, in-shit solution, suspension and the like. The injection preparations are basically prepared by suitably sterilizing an active compound to directly put into a container.

(Disgusting! They are putting it back into the body)


Fluid operated clutch disengaging apparatus
Patent # 6,273,231
August 14, 2001
The invention further relates to a hydraulic work cylinder which is preferably formed as a component part of a release system for a shit and separate clutch and may be mounted in a vehicle between an internal combustion engine and a manual shift transmission.

(Isn't this called a bowel?)


Method and apparatus for controlling angles of working machine
Patent # 6,246,939
June 12, 2001
The bucket operating lever 32 is provided with a kick down switch 35 for enabling gearshift from the forward second gear to the forward first gear without manipulating a gear shit lever (not illustrated).

(Illustration not required thank you)


Hull construction
Patent # 6,220,194
April 24, 2001
According to the invention the well of the shit comprises additional means which can delay the inward and outward flow of water into the well.

(The modified excrement has the capability to clog your pipes even better. Expect toilet overflows regularly)


Color image forming apparatus and belt unit and image forming unit thereof
Patent # 6,201,943
March 13, 2001
The smaller the difference is, the more excellent the reproducibility of the running of the photoconductor belt 80 is, so that excellent images are obtained in which there is no positional shit.

(This must be like a Japanese camera. Fully automated and doesn't cut the heads off of people in pictures.)


Hygienic bag and preparation thereof
Patent # 6,123,946
September 26, 2000
According to the health-protective bag of the present invention, the color of the cotton bag can be white, black, green, yellow or red. People who use the health-protective bag of the present invention can personally choose the color which will shit their personal health condition.

(Your personal health condition by colour:
White means your bones are liquefying. Check if you still have a backbone.
Black means your pubic hair growing in the wrong places. This is called old age.
Yellow means you have a rupture. Check bladder to see if constantly empty.
Green means you should stop grazing on your neighbors' lawn.
Red means you ate too much chili. Seek medical attention immediately!)


Compact holographic laser scanning system having a high scanning-volume-to-housing-volume ratio
Patent # 6,112,990
September 5, 2000
In addition, non-symmetrical optical elements are introduced to eliminate, or minimize, aberrations produced by the wavelength shit between exposure and reconstruction using techniques well-known in the art.

(This type of wavelength can be seen by the wavy lines above a pile of dung sitting on a highway on a hot day)


Host port interface
Patent # 6,438,720
August 20, 2002
The transition from one mode to the other is handled by control logic 130 of the circuit 100 and is a smooth transition to ensure no lost or spurious reads or writes, especially if a host access is occurring during a mode change. That is, the processor 300 may shit between modes even while a host access is occurring and not disrupt that host access.

(My computer does this when Linux and Windows operating systems communicate with each other)


Electronically controlled automatic transmission
Patent # 6,086,512
July 11, 2000
Accordingly, even if the break and like are actually caused to the output shaft revolution sensor 4, an excessive engine brake is not occurred by an abrupt shit-down operation so that safety can be secured while the vehicle travels.

(This means: If you are rolling down a steep hill and soil your pants, the vehicle might stop)


Reagent container for automated analyzer
Patent # 6,063,340
May 16, 2000
Another teflon post D is provided to join R5 and R8. Also, C5 should be a high insulation respace (>30000 Megohm) capacitor to minimize shit leakage through the feedback path around U2.

(Lets hope it works better than adult undergarments, diapers and septic tanks.)


Necktie manager
Patent # 5,979,021
November 9, 1999
The necktie position is then maintained by a connection between the holding means and the front of the shit.

(The necktie is held between your legs?)


Biaxially stretched polyester film for forming container and method of producing the film
Patent # 5,948,525
September 7, 1999
A MAS (magic angle spin) method was employed in order to eliminate the effect of anisotropy of chemical shit.

(What is the bond structure of this strange chemical?)


Apparatus for controlling automatic transmission of motor vehicle
Patent # 5,941,793
August 24, 1999
If the uphill/downhill running control means 92 determines that uphill running control or downhill running control is to be performed, the shift pattern selecting means 100 preferably selects a shift pattern which does not include a 3.fwdarw.4 shift-up boundary line so as not to establish the fourth-speed gear position, as the shit pattern used by the shit control means 102.

(Either a method of a sewage truck collecting waste using a driving schedule or an abstract artist developing 'art'.)


Method and apparatus for automatically designing logic circuit, and multiplier
Patent # 5,903,470
May 11, 1999
Moreover, since the values of the above non-zero digits are only -1, 0, and 1, a shit process is not required in calculating a partial product with respect to any of the three values, thereby further reducing circuit size and expecting faster operation.

(Good. A government department doesn't need to be used)


Information recording medium, two-dimensional code, information reproduction system and information reproduction method
Patent # 5,860,679
January 19, 1999
In view of a problem of printing precision, errors are accumulated as the shit is repeated; thus the calculation should be refreshed periodically.

(Sounds like a business management credo)


Disk array apparatus that only calculates new parity after a predetermined number of write requests
Patent # 5,787,460
July 28, 1998
In the subsequent processes, in a manner similar to the case of miss-shit, the new parity is formed in step S5, …

(An interesting court case with an unflattering maiden name.)


Method of detecting loss of power during block erasure and while writing sector data to a solid state disk
Patent # 5,544,312
August 6, 1996
If header H.sub.c is dirty, it will not be used in regenerating SHIT

(Isn't the header supposed to get dirty if you are generating that substance?)


Process for brazing metal, and apparatus therefor
Patent # 5,462,216
October 31, 1995
Then, the turn table is turned to shit into the second preheating step III.

(A good way to convert 1970's vinyl music records into something desirable)


Bit oriented communications network
Patent # 4,897,834
January 30, 1990
During transition 227, a SHIT CLOCK 197 is generated to advance to the next bit.

(An environmentally friendly biodegradable timing device?)


Differential gear unit with limited slip mechanism
Patent # 4,876,921
October 31, 1989
…the vacuum source and the atmospheric air, the diaphragm piston assembly 45b is displaced leftward by a difference in pressure between chambers R.sub.1 and R.sub.2 to shit the shift rods

(An interesting form of lubrication for rods)


Inspecting method and apparatus for photomask pattern
Patent # 4,669,123
May 26, 1987
…proper inspection can be performed by providing the software or hardware to sequentially perform several inspections selecting different shit amounts…

(I bet the inspectors were glad to see the process become automated).


Integrated fuel cell and fuel conversion apparatus
Patent # 4,642,272
February 10, 1987
This compact apparatus, in one embodiment, comprises a center tube containing a volume of reform catalyst, followed immediately by a region of heat transfer packing material, followed by a volume of shit conversion catalyst.

(This patent uses the term appropriately as a system for converting hydrocarbon feed stocks to hydrogen. It is nice to see a patent not use legal terminology.)


Tuning control apparatus for digital tuner
Patent # 4,264,976
April 28, 1981
Accordingly, the apparatus is released from the above described zigzag scanning operation to shit to an upward scanning operation described in conjunction with the previously described automatic scanning tuner.

(The process of having a bowel movement while receiving a colostomy from this scanning device.)


Swimming system
Patent # 3,934,290
January 27, 1976
The lower part of the helmet attaches in a vee across the chest and back of the shit jacket with hook and loop plastic strips fasteners.

(A tuxedo for turds?)


Casing shut-in valve system
Patent # 5,145,005
September 8, 1992
11. A valve system for use within a conduit in a subterranean well, the valve system comprising a valve assembly and a shit head assembly;

(A collection of valves and an idiot to assemble it)